Lauvale Sape

I think that the transition was the most difficult part of my life because my life had revolved around football for quite a while.

The transition after football was a little hard, so I tried to keep myself busy. I tried to play in different leagues, and just tried to maintain that "high" that I had from playing in the NFL. When that was taken away from me, I was crushed, and that’s when everything started crashing in. I didn’t know how to go about life because all I knew was football.

I think the biggest challenge I was faced with was finding myself. Figuring out who I was going to be. I tried to ask myself, "Who is Sape really going to be after this?" And, I just couldn’t find that answer. I was completely lost. I tried to apply for jobs. I tried to sit with the reality of the world. I tried a lot, but I just felt like I was being pushed away.

See, I was abused when I was young, from the time I was six years old until I was thirteen, but I found an escape in football. I could go on that football field and focus all my energy on it. I discovered football was really something good for me, and I pursued it really hard, but I was pushing down anger over what had happened to me the whole time I was playing.

Playing football actually worked out well for me, I could go to school, and I met my wife. A lot of my family members don’t know what happened, and it’s been a secret that weighed on me for so long. I carried that anger with me that whole time. When football stopped, I couldn't ignore the anger anymore.

Then about three years ago, during the time I was facing challenges in my transition, my wife and I were trying to conceive a child and we finally had a baby but he was a stillborn and it was like everything went downhill again. It just felt like my body was deteriorating more and more, and I couldn’t understand why. I kept asking myself, "Why was I thinking this way, why am I not happy, why am I depressed?" I didn’t know anything about depression and anxiety and I didn’t know that I had gotten really angry at the world, and I was very suicidal. I didn’t care about what was going on around me, it didn’t matter anymore.

After the loss of our son, it was like everything continued to get worse for a while. I started withdrawing from my friends, I didn’t talk to anybody anymore, and I didn’t trust people either. Then last year, everything got so bad where I finally wanted to end my life. I was driving, and looked at the dashboard and saw the picture of my son that we had adopted, my first son, and it saved me. My kids and my wife had been saving me.

I didn’t have a support network. The Polynesian culture is a little different from the typical American culture. I was taught that if something happens, we, Polynesians, counsel each other. We use our family and our friends as counselors, and that’s just how it is. You usually don’t open up or bring anything up until it’s been a problem for a long time. So, my support network wasn’t really big. I was keeping so much hidden away from everyone.

So, my mind started wandering – My whole life had changed. I just couldn’t find that one thing that would satisfy me because everything that I thought I was came with me putting on that football helmet. I was a superhero. So, when that was taken away from me, it felt like my power was gone, too.

I’ve been getting therapy for the past year, and taking medication, and I've received the help of Candice and Devin Hutchings, Vice President of Business & Government Affairs at Eisenhower Center. Those people did a phenomenal job making me understand what mental illness is. I didn’t think there was such a thing, I just thought that I was weak. I discovered some things that I really didn’t know about myself, and I now can accept the fact that I’m mentally ill.

To be honest, it took about 8 or 9 months for Candice to get me there. I thought it was just something they were trying to put us in to "talk" about our problems, but when my wife and I finally agreed, and I finally went, my thought was, "Man, why don’t more NFL players come and seek help for this?"

The program was so good to me! My favorite part is the fact that I could relate with the military guys. I didn’t know we all had the same thing. I was suffering from PTSD and they were suffering from PTSD. I had depression, suicidal thoughts, and I thought I was alone. When I got there, it was like a light bulb went off. I wasn’t the only kid that was molested and abused, I wasn’t the only one that couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t the only one that had nightmares every night to the point where I couldn’t sleep.

The Eisenhower Center helped me train my brain to be better, to have better thoughts. They showed me there’s a better way than just what I was doing. If I could recommend one thing to all the other football players who are struggling, it would be to go out and seek help from the Eisenhower Center. They have set that program up to where the focus is getting better for ourselves with no other distractions. You’re just going there to cleanse your body, cleanse your mind and your soul to be where you want it to be. That’s also where I built my support group that I still have today.

Now, with Eisenhower’s training, I can just tell my family, colleagues, coaches, and NFL friends that I have PTSD and I am mentally ill. It’s okay to be where we’re at, we just have to be willing to work on it. If I could say anything about the Eisenhower Center, it would be that that place healed me. They set the line for me to walk straight, because I was all over the place before I went there.

My first support network (before Eisenhower) was horrible. I think it included just my wife. Now, I have a circle of nine friends that I can dial anytime I need anything. They are in my corner, and they’ll be there for me. That list includes my wife and Candice, the Eisenhower group, four of my best friends, and even my college coach, Ron McBride. Ron McBride told me, "Don’t do this alone. Talk to us, and let us know what can help." So, thankfully, my support group is bigger and more supportive than it ever was before.

Expanding my support group is another reason my wife and I are moving to Hawaii. My biggest support is in Hawaii, my family, and she’s close with them, too. She couldn’t do it with the two kids, and just me and her anymore. There was no family support. It was difficult for her because I was like another child for her to take care of. So, we’re moving back to Hawaii to get closer to all my family and the support groups that I need. That way I can continue to work on my thoughts and focus on better things.

Yeah, there’s always one thing that I wish I would’ve done better – I wish I would’ve gotten help earlier. I wish I would’ve listened right away when my wife was saying I needed help. I think the problem with a lot of us is that we hold it in for so long. For example, I was really a grenade that was walking around with everyone. If someone would’ve pulled that pin, I would’ve lost it. I would’ve been on TV. It would’ve been, "Oh, look at this stupid football player, he has nothing now. He’s an idiot," and all that kind of stuff.

It’s amazing! I still don't sleep a lot, so I wake up around 4:00 in the morning. When I get up, I start reading some of the books I received in therapy. Then I go to the sauna, to help relax my muscles, for about 40 minutes. I come back home after that and take the baby from my wife so she can get some rest.

When my wife wakes up, I try to act like I know what I’m doing cooking wise. But I really don’t know anything about cooking, so I just help out with the kids and get them ready for school. Every Wednesday, once the kids are at school, my wife and I go to therapy. Once the kids are back home from school, we do homework, and then we try to incorporate a little family time with the kids, like we go play at the park or take them for a walk.

I also have medications that I have to take throughout the day. Then at night, we go through my family's goals and my goals because I have to be reminded of what matters every day. So, I write sticky notes to help with my memory because it’s so bad. So, instead of having to have people remind me, I put my goals and the things I need to remember on sticky notes. I guess my day now is scheduled out like it was at the Eisenhower Center. I have to be on a schedule, or else I will waste my time and start thinking about stupid things again.

There are tons of memories, but I guess the one thing that I remember the most is not even from playing the game, it’s actually being in the locker room with my brothers. The locker room talk with my brothers is what I miss the most.

It’s the smell of the stinky socks and all that, I love it.

The game of football is a game of life. We don’t tell anybody, but in the locker room is where all the drama, all the counseling, and everything happens. We counsel each other, we motivate each other, and we help each other. So, if I could go back to a football memory, it’s not so much playing the game, it’s mostly talking in the locker room with the guys and getting to know their lives – from the kids, to problems, to everything else we talk about.

One of my favorite things is the fact that I can serve the community like I used to. In Buffalo, every time there was a charity event, I was the first guy to sign up. I wasn’t a big-time player, but giving back was a part of my deal. I love it, especially with kids. I still sign up to participate in community things as much as I can.

If I could put it down in one word, I would put down: trust. Trust the NFLPA, trust The Trust. Former players need to trust the process, and give The Trust time to help them. My thing was that I was sprinting, and they were pulling me back, trying to help me just learn to walk again. I had a hard time trusting people that wanted to help me, but I've finally slowed down.